Huggles & Kissels

Huggles & Kissels
Adding Humor to the Flare's of IC: Welcome to My IC Home

I'm VERY short, and I feel like a child..................... and just want IC Pain to go away!

I hope to share my story insights with other's who have this disease.... the good and the bad... and to be accepted for doing so, and to accept graciously if you choose to share! I hope anyone visiting will COMMENT... and leave your story & insights: Sharing makes us feel so not alone! Huggles and Kissels to all who will
hover here!
**To learn what IC is... read along the right hand side bar...
just below the tummy picture... the green print...
For most of you, OMaGosh YOU already know what it is! LOL X a Million!!!

Saturday, March 20, 2010

I Feel Lost

I hope this pain doesnt last forever...that there will be a cure, or a way for me to get the relief i need soon. I'm at the point where teaching is almost impossibe, and sadly Im looking at short or long term leave from teaching. I've missed a lot of teaching days for theapy and doc visits. I'm out of leave and have taken many MANY hours without pay. It is so hard for me to even think of leaving my special kindergarten kids! But, tomorrow I am going to the district to ask for qualification paperwork for extended leave.
It hurts my heart soooooooooooooooooo much. I've taught so many days in pain, not taking pain meds because I am responsible for these little spirits. I've seen childlike love in their eyes as they have comforted me with back rubs, pillows, heated rice bags, letters, cards, ice packs...tender hugs and loves.
I've told them I know Heavenly Father sent each one of them here to be together in my kindergarten class. I've told them, and shown them the ways to be compassionate and empathetic toward all good people. I don't know if my heart can go on without seeing them every day. I miss them already, and I don't even know if I'll qualify for leave. I know my body may be unable to go on right now, but my heart won't let go. I've had a hard time expressing that to my principal, friends, and students.
My principal thinks it would be best if I just take a 30 day leave without telling the kids, and then returning for the last 2 weeks of school. I hope their heart understands... I hope my heart makes it. I know it is what's best for my health for now. I just worry so much about those little hearts, but I know Heavenly Father will show us the way. He's been with me all along and I know He will not leave me comfortless!I've had several therapists working together, I've met some of the sweetest caregivers, and some who are not so caring! Many of them are truely angels----they just have to be angels from Heaven blessing me in this journey. I feel Heavenly Father's love all around me.I have met hundred's of women via face book who suffer as I do. They are fabulous and couragious women! Many of them suffer this journey alone without the support of family and friends. I message many IC & PNE sisters all over the world. Although some of my posts sound like I am compaining with pain, I am in pain, but I'm sending out "bait" to find those who suffer this same journey. And to my surprise there are thousands of us on face book, more each day. We don't know what is causing the breakdown in our bladder inner lining...possibly something enviromently. It's absolutely frightening that this disease is running rampid through so many bladders, just as breast cancer started so many years ago. Medical Science has been caught off guard with this autoimmune disease. YES I hurt, I work in pain tirelessly, and come home exhausted. I love you all so much, and I won't stop until I am whole and healthy! I know I will get there. Thank you Chrissy for the techniques you've learned that I'm sure we will use in the future. The chiro told me some ne things that will be painful but if you help me I can make it, I can do it! Right now things are very painful but it won't last forever, I promise. I have to have that kind of faith to help me navagate this journey.

3/22/10 District meet with Nayola@ DistrictNeed to apply for Family Medical Leave.... Sharon and Dave went with me. They were my voice and my recorder as I was in TERRIBLE PAIN. I have to take 10 days without pay! Then 30 calendar days without pay. I have to pay my insurance premiums and flex spending dollars. I feel SICK!!! I KNOW I pushed the button donating to the catasrophic leave bank. I always do!But here I am, PNE & IC taking over my life. I hurt. I can't think!
I've lost me!I've lost my voice.
Ive lost all my favorite foods
Ive lost the energy to shop.
Ive lost the desire to cook & clean.
Ive lost the ENERGY to park & shop.
Ive lost the ability to sit in church.
Ive lost my mind.
Ive lost my favorite clothes.
Ive lost TIME with my grandKids
Ive lost sitting; car, plane, boat, watching tv, movies, restaraunts, SCRAPPING & crafting, vacations.
I've lost my hobbies.
Ive lost time with my hubby.
Ive lost my career's passion teaching.
Ive lost money.
it continues.... Treatment after treament drug after drug.
Ive lost all sick leave.
I've lost all vacation leave.
Im giving up my classroom, kids, materials I've created over the years to a "long term sub!" I've spent much of the day planning the rest of the year for someone else to carry on without me. Ive lost time teaching Tage.
And seeing Kyle's family at the end if the school day. School was my safe place to see them.
Ive lost energy, joy...
I've lost trust in doctors & therapists. I know they TRY, but the bottom line is they don't know how to help me, I'm not even sure they understand or believe me!
IVE LOST ME
I havent lost my FAITH, but I still..,want to run as far & fast as i can away from this gnawing, nagging twisting, hot aching PAIN.

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